Odds and Ends

I have not posted here in some time, so I thought I'd put up a few entries that a wrote some time ago and forgot about.  New entries soon!


Product : Shampoo (Unknown brand.  I can't remember, the adverts are all alike.)
Slogan : "Leaves your scalp up to 100% flake free!"
Suggested Alternative : "Statistically This Shampoo May Cause Severe Dandruff."

Up to 100%.  UP TO 100%!  Do they think we're stupid, or is this some kind of joke or error on the part of the advertising department?  Everyone's scalp is already up to 100% flake free, unless their head is 100% flakes, which is too gross to even contemplate, and probably  beyond the help of mere shampoo.  This slogan does not even imply that the product will have any effect whatsoever, and could indeed mean that the shampoo will leave you with more dandruff than you started with.  Possibly the most hilarious slogan I have come across yet.

Product : Tango

Slogan : I Drank Too Much Tango and Sucked A Bull's Udder

Suggested Alternative : Warning; May Cause Homosexual Bestiality

I was shocked to see this prominently displayed on a bus-shelter poster.  I'm not into over-censoring things, but I think this is going too far.  Besides the searing of deviant sexual imagery onto the minds of the very young, I am also unsure as to what quality of the beverage this advert is extolling.  Essentially, it seems to be implying that it gets you drunk, which is a bizarre claim.  Many non-alcoholic drinks marketed to adults advertise themselves based on the fact that they can be drunk on an evening out without impairing judgement; perhaps this is intended to be an ironic take on those brands.  If so, it must be noted that even the manufacturers of the most downmarket alcoholic beverages know better than to market their product based on the horrific mistakes you might make whilst inebriated.

Product : Marks & Spencer

Slogan : Christmas Wouldn't be Christmas Without YourM&S
Suggested Alternative : Something Evocative and Nostalgic.

Now hang on a minute... when did we stop saying Marks & Spencers?  I thought they were supposed to be upmarket.  Are we here witnessing the dumbing down of a well-respected brand to cast it's marketing net wider after the much maligned 'credit crunch'?
I' ve had to look up exactly what 'Your M&S' is.  I can only find marketing dross.  Apparently, it's an umbrella name for all the sections of Marks & Spencer, including their food shops, financial services and whatever the hell else they're up to these days.  Apparently it represents a 'handing back' of the brand to the British public, although I would imagine this requires something more than simply shoehorning the word 'your' into the name.
I'm fed up of needless abbreviation, and I thought a company like Marks & Spencer would be above it (yes, I see the irony, but the ampersand is part of the trademark, so poo to you http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marks_&_Spencer).  Apparently we're condemned to a future of cold, stupid acronymic brandnames.

As for Christmas, well, YourM&S was apparently introduced in 2004 (who knew?).  If Christmas has changed appreciably as a result, I haven't noticed.  Even if the slogan were talking about Marks & Spencer in general, I've managed to get through 25 years without having any particular involvement with the company during the holiday season, and I don't feel I've missed out terribly.  The thing is, even the highest quality commercial goods can't approach the quality of traditional, homemade fayre (or at least that's what us poor folks tell ourselves, and we're sticking to it).

Having said all this, I do quite like the adverts (they do have Stephen Fry in them after all).

Product: Hellman's Mayonaisse

Slogan: Hellman's; The Only Mayonaisse.

It demonstrably isn't.