Caution: Always Remember to Eat and Drink

Product : KFC iTwist
Slogan : 1 Megabyte of Flavour!
Suggested Alternative : Comes in a Bakelite Box with a Free VHS of the latest Care Bear Movie.

Well, these sure took a long time to come out.  I say that because I was focus-grouped about this product almost a year ago.  Unfortunately they only asked me about flavours, rather than marketing, or perhaps they wouldn't have come out with this doozy of a slogan.

I propose that the slogan was invented by someone of at least sixty years of age.  I imagine that this is the only age group who (may) still consider one megabyte to be large or impressive.  Even a gigabyte is somewhat passe among the young, trendy people at whom this advertising campaign is no doubt directed (remember, kids: lower case 'i' makes everything cool!).  Perhaps Terabyte is going a little too far for mass marketing even now, but megabytes?  This slogan sounds like something I vaguely remember being associated with a Pizza company in the late 80's or early 90's.

Actually, I'm wondering if Apple could claim copyright infringement here.  The association with iProducts, as well as the quoted storage capacity is clearly a reference to them.  It's just a chicken wrap, after all.  Except, of course, for the fact that a 1Mb iPod could hold about a minute and a half of music.

Product: Tango (Again)
Slogan: "Tango Made My Stalk Shrivel".
Suggested Alternative : I suggest they borrow the one from the cigarette packet.

So, I noticed this on a can of Tango yesterday and thought it best to do an update.  Don't worry - Tango may cause you to black out and try to engage in sexual congress with animals, but it'll also make sure you can't go through with it.


Product : Budweiser
Slogan : Responsibility Matters
Suggested Alternative : Only Consume Under Strict Medical Supervision and Once All of Your Affairs Are In Order.

A beer company with an advert purely based on drinking responsibly?  Has the world gone mad?

Well, yes.  Long ago.  But this is suspicious.  Is it a double irony?  I'm stuck.  It reminds me a little of those warnings you always get on DVDs insisting you don't pirate them.  "You wouldn't steal a handbag!"  Actually, some people would.

That's why I don't trust this advert.  They KNOW they can't make 'drinking responsibly' cool.  This is the company that brought us the annoying, but undeniably memorable bullfrog advert after all.

I'm not going to rant on about stupid warnings here, but it is getting silly.  'Drink responsibly' and such.  I am a fan of Twining's Tea, but I was gravely disturbed to find "Enjoy Twinings as Part of a balanced, varied diet and a healthy lifestyle" written on the packet.  Leave me alone!  If I want to send myself to an early grave never doing anything but sitting in an armchair swigging camomile tea, that's up to me.  Ok, I guess I did rant about it.

Besides, this is Budweiser.  You can probably drink 17 of them without getting drunk anyway, so you're probably more at risk of drowning than ending up in a hit-and-run.

Goodnight.  And stay safe, or else.

Start Your Day With a Healthy Breakfast, and an Unhealthy Lunch.

Product : Coco Pops
Slogan : "TRY 'EM WITH HOT MILK!"
Suggested Alternative : "DO AS YOU'RE TOLD, YOU MUG!"

Seriously, this is the problem with advertising today. Instead of approaching us with a friendly, helpful suggestion of how to make a popular breakfast cereal into a snack to warm the cockles of your heart at wintertime ("Why not try them with hot milk?"), we are addressed in the manner of a cockney skinhead. You can almost hear the quiet, menacing growl as he holds you up against the wall by your neck, his other hand *probably* containing some kind of loaded firearm. "TRY 'EM WITH HOT MILK!" He demands, as you hand over your wallet and keys. I mean, why do they feel the need to drop the "th" in "them"? Are children really so impressionable these days that they even read with a speech impediment? All that's needed to make this an absolute classic among bad slogans is the word "Kidz". And possibly a flick-knife for the monkey.

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Product: McDonald's
Slogan : "I'm Lovin' It"
Suggested Alternative : "Cheaper than Burger King and the Less Discerning Kids Won't Know the Difference!"

Nine letters. Two apostrophes. First of all, who's "I"? Justin Timberlake? I don't think I value that man's opinion particularly highly, given the bilge he pumps out under the guise of 'music'. Second of all, disregarding the ugly abbreviation, the verb "to love" is almost never used in the present tense. Surely if they wanted something quick and vacuous, "I love it" is only seven letters and at the very least grammatically sound. It avoids that horrid, horrid apostrophe too. Surely a corporation as big as McDonald's could come up with something better than Engrish as recited by a council estate bully.